


little red corvette (baby you're much too fast)

by ElasticElla



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Implied/Referenced Sex, M/M, Metafiction, Timeline What Timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-04
Updated: 2020-03-04
Packaged: 2021-02-23 09:35:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23009419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElasticElla/pseuds/ElasticElla
Summary: Over a hundred thousand stories starring himself are just a click away.Best surprise porn stashever.
Relationships: James "Rhodey" Rhodes/Tony Stark
Comments: 8
Kudos: 35
Collections: Writing Rainbow Red





	little red corvette (baby you're much too fast)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [tuesday](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tuesday/gifts).



Tony can admit he’s narcissistic. Even if it wasn’t his therapist’s favorite adjective to toss around, you don’t get to making huge buildings with your name slapped on the side without a healthy ego. (Or a tiny dick, but experience and statistics indicate that isn’t the case with him.)

So really, it was just a matter of time before he discovered the porn starring himself. Not the traditional porn- that was always weird to watch given the actors look just a little- or a lot for some of the cheaper productions- off. Not to mention, watching not-him have sex with his ex-girlfriend? Weird as hell. 

He still watched it, if only to assure himself that his and Pepper’s sex life was _way_ better than fake-him and fake-Pepper. (Which it was. Until the kinky bastards came out with a sequel starring fake-him and fake-Pepper and fake-Natasha, and look, he absolutely would have suggested it if he thought there was the slightest chance of Nat not murdering him on the spot.)

Tony finds the fanfic. And while it isn’t new by any means, he was a young nerd once reading about threesomes between Kirk and Spock and Uhura, there’s so much more of it now. Or, it’s better archived at least. With tags and categories, and over a hundred thousand stories starring himself are just a click away. 

Best surprise porn stash _ever_. 

.

Tony enjoys himself thoroughly for the next week. He hasn’t jacked off so often since he was a teenager, is half-expecting for his dick to start chafing. His favorite fics are himself as Iron Man with himself as Tony Stark, written before he announced his identity. His therapist would probably have a field day with that, but whatever, it’s not like he created a clone of himself to fuck, or traveled back in time to screw himself. (But damn did he enjoy those stories too.)

He ends up reading a long story about himself and Batman, getting progressively more annoyed as the pages go by. It had reeled him in with epic rooftop sex and wildly implausible toys, and then went completely off base. It turned him into a cardboard cutout twink, which if either of them should be taking the two-dimensional role, it’s obviously Batman, the _fictional_ man. 

Worse, there’s heaps of comments praising the writer’s “ingenuity” and fuck no. He’s Tony Stark dammit, he doesn’t take this kind of slander lying down. 

...not without a cocktail anyways. 

Old Fashioned in hand, Tony reclines on the bed. He hasn’t tried much fictional writing, but surely it’ll be easier than technical. It’s all a fantasy, he can do that without breaking a sweat. 

“Jarvis start a new word document. Titled ‘the best fucking story ever’-” 

“Sir as per the Sydney Protocol, I am not to record you while you’ve been drinking.” 

Tony rolls his eyes, only his ai. “Quit it with the backchat or I’ll reprogram you drunk. This isn’t a voicemail.” 

Jarvis doesn’t respond to that, and Tony smiles, sipping his drink. “Excellent. Back to the script, let’s see we need another person. Or three, but no, too many limbs. Someone hot but close enough to me that I can predict their reactions- right, there’s only one man for the job.

“Okay, Tony was walking- ugh I sound way too much like a douche in third person. Alright, I was walking home as I often do, following my doctor’s recommended activity sheet.” 

Tony can’t keep his words straight, cracking up. “Okay, okay, for real this time Jarvis, delete the previous stuff. I was throwing the ultimate party as only Tony Stark can, when a man more distinguished than I dared enter. Aha, he’d hate that. ‘Cause the age- right, so Rhodey shows up, looking like a billion bucks. Hell, he’s even wearing that indigo suit I got him ‘cause this is fiction and I can make him take it out of his closet and parade around in it like that ass deserves.” 

Arousal spikes as his mind jumps to other things he can make imaginary Rhodey do, and he rubs his chin. “Huh. That’s new.” 

…is it though? 

“Jarvis pull up a list of every gift I’ve sent Rhodes.” 

More than one romantic partner has accused him of trying to buy their affection; Tony prefers to think of himself as a generous guy with a ridiculous amount of disposable income. And honestly, he doesn’t even notice it half the time.

“Shall I include the gifts refused sir?” 

And oh, oh fuck he’d forgotten about all the shit he tried to buy Rhodes way back when. He tosses back the rest of his drink, “Hit me with it all.” 

.

Tony likes to think of himself- hell that’s what got him into this mess in the first place- but Tony likes to think of himself as a functional drinker. Sure, he installed the Sydney Protocol after leaving an embarrassing as fuck drunk message to a reporter of all people, who of course posted it, but usually, he’s good. 

So waking up in bed, sunlight streaming in too bright, still wearing last night’s clothes and an empty bottle on the nightstand? Not his finest moment. And given the memory gap, he starts with his phone and email, can review the footage after making sure he didn’t do anything utterly stupid last night.

An author named ‘definitelynottonystark’ published a fic, ‘the best fucking story ever’ and there are comments in his email. Because drunk Tony apparently thought it’d be brilliant to use his real email, Jarvis is so getting an update once his head isn’t pounding. 

IronSuitKink writes, “dude, my dude, paragraph breaks are your friend. also like tony’s ooc as fukk tho i liked how quick he went down on war machine”. 

It’s the nicest comment he gets. All of the readers agree his Tony is “supremely out of character”, which is fucking _impossible_. Tony deletes the fic and heads to the bathroom, he’ll feel more awake after a shower and hit the workshop. 

(Jarvis still has a back up copy. For reference. In case he just so happens to read it sober that night, and damn fictional him gushed about Rhodey’s thighs for like four paragraphs.)

((A bouquet is returned to him, something drunk him thought would be brilliant to send Rhodey. The note makes him grin though, ‘You, Mr. Stank, need these at your place more.’))

**Author's Note:**

> title from prince's little red corvette 
> 
> ...because i’m always a slut for meta fic, i haven’t actually written tony before lol so hopefully this didn’t turn out ironically ooc as fuck


End file.
